Behind the Scenes at CNN’s 2nd-Tier Presidential Debate

“The CNN Republican primary debate on Sept. 16 will be divided into two parts featuring two different sets of candidates: those who rank in the top 10 according to public polling, and the remaining candidates who meet a minimum threshold of 1 percent in public polling, the On Media blog has learned.” -Politico, May 20.

INT. GREEN ROOM.
A screen shows the top-tier candidates on a stage during a presidential debate. The word “MUTED” appears across the bottom of the screen. the camera pulls back to reveal RICK SANTORUM, CARLY FIORINA, BOBBY JINDAL, and GEORGE PATAKI spread across the room on chairs and couches. All of them look forlorn, heads down. LINDSAY GRAHAM is asleep in a chair, snoring softly.

SANTORUM

I can’t believe Trump made it in. Trump!

FIORINA

I can’t believe I didn’t.

JINDAL

Not with this again, Carly.

FIORINA

We’re not going to beat Hillary Clinton with 10 men on the stage!

PATAKI

I just want to talk about the issues, dammit. Doesn’t anyone care about the issues?

JINDAL (in a whisper, to SANTORUM)

Who is that guy?

SANTORUM

No one knows.

JINDAL

Hey did you guys read my op-ed in the New York Times?

SANTORUM, FIORINA, PATAKI (simultaneously)

Yes, Bobby.

JINDAL

OK because I have some copies if anyone needs it.

FIORINA

No one needs it.

SANTORUM (staring at the TV)

Look at that Mike Huckabee. Smug bastard. Why does he get to be up there and not me? I won Iowa more recently than he did.

JINDAL

Ben Carson thinks he’s so great, just because he operated on some kids’ brains. I have a biology degree, you know!

PATAKI

I don’t see what’s so great about any of them. I was governor of New York! I worked with Democrats! I was an effective leader!

FIORINA

Wait, you’re Rudy Giuliani?

PATAKI

HE WAS THE MAY–you know what, who cares?

FIORINA

Isn’t that your campaign slogan?

JINDAL

Zing!

SANTORUM, FIORINA, PATAKI (simultaneously)

Shut it, Bobby.

A door opens, and a PRODUCTION ASSISTANT enters, carrying a clipboard and wearing a headset.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

We’re wrapping up the real debate, um, I mean the first part of the debate now. We’ll need all of you on stage in two minutes.

PATAKI

Do you think I could get some water?

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

I’m sorry, who are you? You know this is a restricted area right?

PATAKI

Never mind.

FIORINA (patting PATAKI‘S shoulder)

Someone should fire her.

GRAHAM (awaking with a start)

Bomb them! Bomb them back into the middle ages!

JINDAL

Christ, there he goes again.

SANTORUM

Let’s get out of here.

SANTORUM, JINDAL, FIORINA, and PATAKI file out of the room as GRAHAM nods back off to sleep.