What Now, Teabaggers?

President Obama Descended From 14 Revolutionary War Veterans — Which Makes Him More American than …Pretty Much Anyone

by: Richard Rowe

Welcome to out latest meme article, on a meme that’s been circulating — we’d imagine about as sweetly as a cheap bottle of sour apple vodka — around wingnut webholes. Hilariously, the one unifying factor on pages that do dare post it seem a bit devoid of comments compared to most others. Imagine a fart in a room of Southern Ladies disguised by the sound of crickets chirping. Kind of like that. And for pretty good reason: Because it’s wrong.

For those who haven’t heard, that evil ferriner Kenyan Muslim has some pretty impressive credentials when it comes to lineage in United States history. As we all know, Obama’s father was a dark-skinned voodoo demon who performed a Muslim terrorist ritual in chicken blood to please his communist union masters. Also, Saul Alinsky. But his mother Ann Dunham was a down-home Kansas girl, a sixth cousin to Wild Bill Hickok.

Atop her Wild West blood though, Ann was predominantly English by ancestry. And that English portion of her family has been here for a long time — colonial times, as it turns out. Not just any colonials, either. As it turns out, The Islamist Kenyan directly descends from no less than 14 PEOPLE who fought (on our side) in the Revolutionary War. Or, if not fought directly, then at least provided vital services like Moses Teague (1718-1777), who supplied the American Army in North Carolina. Which might technically make him one of our nation’s first defense contractors. Obama is related to him through his son-in-law James Wellborn, a private in the American army. you can read about the rest here.

He’s also, ironically, related to two English kings, one of which being Edward I. Edward’s known largely for launching the Eighth and Ninth Crusades; Obama is his 22nd cousin. And so, bizarrely enough, is another political figure — none other than Obama’s first opponent, John McCain, who is also a 22nd cousin of Edward’s. We know. Weird.

So, 14 people who fought in the Revolutionary War, and a king who launched two Crusades to recapture the Holy Land; by your normal Republican standards, this guy should have been elected jesus christ by now.  Even Sarah Palin, who herself is related to 25 people who fought in the Revolutionary War, can’t claim a king who launched a freaking Crusade. Against Mooslems, no less.

But aside from also maybe having some technical claim to the throne of England, Obama is more locally entitled to claim entry into the Sons of the American Revolution. Not to be confused with the Sons of Confederate Veterans (annual cross burning scheduled for April 15th), the SAR is a proud institution with a long history and about 30,000 members at present.

Indeed, when Washington bequeathed this land to the progeny of his people, there’s no doubt he was speaking pretty explicitly of Barack Obama. That also includes the sons and daughters of America’s slaves, many of whom were drafted into fighting for America during the Revolution. The children of those who fought for this country (black and white) are in no uncertain terms the direct inheritors of Washington’s legacy.

But you know who might not be?

Technically speaking, anybody whose entire families got here after the war was over. Which, if you’re counting, includes the vast majority of people in this country. Well, white people, anyway. Going by that standard, here’s a short list of people who are less American than Barack Obama; or, at least, those whose families weren’t here to fight in the Revolutionary War:

• Ted Cruz — Cuban and Canadian
• The Koch Brothers — Parents were Dutch Immigrants
• Glen Beck — Grandson of 19th century German Immigrants
• Marco Rubio — Cuban parents
• Sean Hannity — Grandson of 20th century Irish immigrants
• Bill O’Reilly — Grandson of 19th century Irish immigrants
• John Boehner — Grandson of 20th century German and Irish immigrants
• Mitch McConnell — Son of Irish Immigrants

And, of course, the Head Birther himself, the one, the only…

• “The” Donald Trump — Grandson of 19th century German and Scottish immigrants

Of all of these people, not a one had family in the United States before 1850 — let alone were descended from 14 different people who fought in the Revolutionary War. And that’s not counting the family of 15th century slave John Punch, to whom Obama is also related through Ann Dunham. In sum total, it’s probably fair to say that Obama’s family roots in the United States may run deeper than almost any president in history, aside from the ones who actually fought in the Revolution. Barry Hussein Soetoro, then, could pretty easily out-American most of his critics, including the Koch Brothers, Sean Hannity and Donald Trump.
But, he’s black. So, you know…none of that counts. Everyone knows white people who got here in 1930 are “more American” than dark people who have been here since 1650.

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Editors Note: Still though, Barack can be out-Americaned by a few people.
Including  yours truly, whose direct lineage includes one of the authors of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson and two people who signed the Declaration of Independence, John Hancock and George Washington as well as the native Americans who met the first boats and the Kings of Scotland and England and most of Europe.