Wingnut Cabal Seeks Help Rewriting the Bible Because It's Not Wingnut Enough

The King James bible and more recent translations are veritable primers of progressive agitprop, according to the founder of "conservapedia".

by Richard Schiffman

Liberal bias in the media pales in comparison to what you’ll find in your standard-issue bibles, according to conservapedia.com, a kind of Wikipedia for the religious right. The King James bible, not to mention more recent translations like the New International Version (NIV), are veritable primers of progressive agitprop, complains Andy Schlafly, the founder of conservapedia.com. (His mother, Phyllis, is an activist best known for her opposition to feminism and the Equal Rights Amendment.)
But not to worry. Andy Schlafly’s coven is on the case, and they have invited you to pitch in. Well, maybe not you, exactly, but the "best of the public,” whose assistance is solicited in proposing new wording for left-leaning bible verses.
Don’t know Aramaic, Hebrew or ancient Greek? Not a problem. What they are looking for is not exactly egghead scholarship, but a knack for using words they've read in the Wall Street Journal. They have a list of promising candidates on their website—words like capitalism, work ethic, death penalty, anticompetitive, elitism, productivity, privatize, pro-life—all of which are conspicuously missing from those socialist-inspired bibles we’ve been reading lately.
In the several years since their translation project was inaugurated, all of the new testament and several books of the Old have been thoroughly revised. But lots still remains to be done. If you've got a soft spot for Leviticus, the Book of Amos, Lamentations or Numbers, they are all still available for rewrite, so get cracking!
To give a sense of how to go about your own re-translation, here are some examples of changes the editors have already made.
Take that story where the mob surrounds a woman accused of adultery and gets ready to stone her, but Jesus intervenes and says, “He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone" (John 7:53-8:11). It might have been a later addition that wasn’t in the original gospels, according to some deluded-thinking, or rather wingnut-leaning scholars. So the editors have excised this bleeding-heart favorite from the good book, and they've also removed jesus’ words on the cross, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."
“The simple fact is that some of the persecutors of jesus did know what they were doing,” Schlafly points out, proving that, “jesus might never had said it at all.”
Another thing jesus might never have said at all is, “Blessed are the meek.” Change that one to, “Blessed are the dog-fearing,” the translation’s editors advise, which is far less touchy-feely than the King James version.

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